Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone have an alternative to a tea that helps you sleep at night? Sometimes I just cover my mouth with chloroform but then I'm typically late for work the next morning...

   Teaching my 9 year old to sew. She'll make a great wife in 1897.

   I had an impromptu Earth Day celebration. I didn't planet.

   I don't have enough garbage to put out every week for them to stop in front of my house. I'm just not trashy enough.

   I'm so bad at Candy Crush that I just gave up and ate a bag of M&Ms.

   Aurora Shooting Trial: James Holmes' ex girlfriend testified at his death sentance hearing? Yep; looks like I will never comit a crime after all.

   emotional agony is a drug for some and they are forever in search of their dealer

   GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.

   Pro Tip.... No Man has ever won a game of "NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?"

   I don't "drink". I expedite my bedtime.

   Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

   The best time to weigh yourself is after the exorcism.

   An SEC football season without Steve Spurrier? Isn't that sort of like a Prom without acne?

   The reason why you don't have a hoverboard is because Marty McFly and Doc Brown screwed up the timeline with their time traveling

   You can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to do during conjugal visits.

   From the Paris Climate Change Conference: Santa is required to put solar panels in the stockings of naughty kids.

   I started a Hotcake business but they aren’t selling. FML.

   The love between a man and a woman acts like a mousetrap to lure a man towards a woman enticing him like a pure cheese, but is secretly tied with a trap.

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds", so I stabbed him. Now we wait....