Funny Status Messages

   Look at your hands, puppet master. Those strings are not attached to me. I dance for no one, except me.

   It seems like Mark Zuckerberg is playing real life Monopoly. He owns FB, Instagram now WhatsApp...what's next, Twitter?

   I don't care what President, beef jerky flavor, fruit, car, drink, beer, boat, pop tart, or actor I am supposed to be. I am me, that should be enough....

   The passengers of flight 370 shouldn't trust Jacob...

   If I've been renting space in anyone's head, can I have my deposit back with interest. . .

   Went to see 300 Rise of An Empire last night. After that Athenians sex scene, I realized alot of Empire was rising in the theater. The Men sat down and watched the credits all the way to the very end!

   My wife says it doesn’t count as sex if I don’t last longer than 30 seconds. So apparently I’m still a virgin in her books.

   Ladies, telling a man about your menstrual cramps is like…(can someone finish this joke please)

   Liars are like regular people except I want to hit them with a baseball bat.

   Saturdays hold the distinction of being the day of the week that has the least amount of facebook activity. It's good to know that many folks still have a life 1/7 of the time.

   My son asked me the other day what an anecdote is. I sat him down, looked into his eyes, and told him I could not think of an example.

   What you call a "morning wood" I call "breakfast in bed"

   Someone needs to tell all the other horses that its CC's birthday today.

   I'm pretty sure the cause of all divorces can be traced back to marriage.

   Throwback Thursday - A day to go fishing and not keep anything,

   What question do men ask women the most? “ARE YOU MAD AT ME?”

   you can tell if someone worships satan if they have their phone's keypad tone on.

   Does anyone have an alternative to a tea that helps you sleep at night? Sometimes I just cover my mouth with chloroform but then I'm typically late for work the next morning...

   Teaching my 9 year old to sew. She'll make a great wife in 1897.

   I had an impromptu Earth Day celebration. I didn't planet.