Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Money Will You be may Valentine?

   Sooooo workin for TSA wasn't a good enough job so you decided to sell... Coke and make Crack at your house while the kids were there....smh

   What do women and an ambulance have in common? They make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

   The only thing that puts me off gym is the fear of becoming too buff.

   Dude I'm in my prime, you don't need the roofies.

   People who get drunk after one beer: what's it like, being criminally insane?

   LIFE is a game a REAL game

   all my teachers know computers....they used to code "C++" on my school papers

   An Allen wrench is just a wrench that tucks his sweater vest into his khakis and cc's your boss on every email reply.

   Yesterday I heard a young white kid tell his mom "I hate you and you annoy me, you stupid b*tch" Then a black woman slapped me just for hearing it

   Can some tell my wife......Crying is blackmailing Yes, of the simplest and most straightforward form.

   "This is where the magic happens" ~Me on a first date to a magic show

   Ya get the strangest looks when you roll up to the register at the grocery store with a basket full of eggs and toilet paper.

   Went to the Dr today and he said I should've died 3 years ago. So, I guess I'm immortal!!

   It turns out that an unlimited charge card is the the easiest way to find the G-spot.

   I called a friend of mine today. Her boyfriend picked up and said "she's not into you" the hanged up. Strong and healthy relationship that.

   Wait....the government was shutdown?

   The Gladys Have Been Rebranded As The "VAGIANTS" Next Year They Will Be starting their first year in THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

   I don't care how expensive your hair is, just don't get mad when I pull it off when were having sex

   What happens in her mouth, Stays in her mouth.