Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honey maybe you will feel better if you poop.

   never make presumptions about who will get chicken pox...I don't like to blemish my reputation by making rash predictions

   If I ever die and find out there is no heaven or hell I am going to be really pissed.

   been watching the Puppy Bowl. What's I miss??

   If I had a dollar for every time I used the phrase "If I had a dollar", I'd be as rich as I wanted to be...and boring to talk to...if I had a dollar.

   New study finds sex with condoms just as satisfying as without. Had Kanye West known this…

   Starting my prune juice and baked bean diet tomorrow

   ’m in such a good mood I think I’m going to cook* a delicious dinner**! (*open, **bottle of wine)

   went to a carnival trying to win an X-box Kinect and the next thing he knew , he'd lost his entire life savings and all he had to show for it was a giant banana with dreadlocks.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that notices all of your faults and reminds you about them daily.

   was wondering if anybody wants to come over and practice the lift from Dirty Dancing because my cat is soooooo not having it right now. Needless to say she did not "have the time of her life" and she owes it all to me.

   When two Egotists meet, it's always an I for an I

   Does the fact that I supply my own chloroform make me look desperate?

   The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

   Women don't fart until they get married... that's when they get an a$$hole.

   Just a friendly reminder: There's 51 shopping days before Xmas. Of course according to the Mayans, the world will end in 48 days, so you decide…

   Apparently the little box on the up right side of fb seems more interesting than the actual status updates!

   Now that the election is over, we can focus on the REAL issue: Hoes being taken, good girls being single.

   Once you realize that someone is rubbing you the wrong way and you are convinced that there will never be a happy ending, you are undoubtedly in a bad relationship or,,,, you are being massaged by a witch.

   HEADLINE - Bieber & Gomez split up! This was my rock, my reason for living - what is left, my world is crumbling around me - how will I continue living ? Wait.. where am I ? I thought this was an article about Captain Crunch being discontinued.