Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get lots of pu$$y in my minivan. Maybe you're just driving yours wrong.

   Wonder if A-Rod's new sponsor is going to be a syringe company...

   With 7 billion people in the world now, telling a girl she’s one in a million doesn’t cut it anymore as it just means you have 999 other options.

   I want my kids to be as lazy as me but I'm unwilling to put in the work.

   All you got to do now-a-days is act like you know what your doing...its worked for me so far!

   Walking calmly and nonchalantly to the bathroom and then fighting to get my britches down in record time so's I don't poop down a pant leg seems to be among my most recent list of super powers today. Life is good ツ

   Okay honey, here is the deal. You show me the pics and I will help you identify the best ones to post on your FB. I have beauty pageant and wet t-shirt judging credentials and experience. So you in good hands.

   You, lady are what's known as 'issues on legs'.

   "I'm shocked that several young, rich athletes have been arrested recently! " said, no one ever...

   The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

   You know you're a real a$$hole when even your grandma calls you an a$$hole

   BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today

   You don't refer to a pen!s as a 'pork sword'? Well I guess this friendship is over before it began.

   Happy National Tequila Day! And tomorrow, enjoy National Hangover Day?!?!

   Shout out to all the girls who's tittiez look like they have been left in water too long

   What's that movie where Tyler Perry pretends to be something he's not… you know, a director?

   I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

   Watching the Olympics made me feel fat...then I saw a McDonald's ad and ate a big Mac!

   Weren't the Olympics supposed to add bum fighting this year?!

   If it wasn't for Yahoo Answers, there's no way I could know this numb black foot was just a headache.