Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You have to get along with everybody. You're out-numbered.

   Holding someone accountable is a form of love, too.

   Give me freedom or give me marriage.

   Bert and Ernie are a perfect closeted TV couple. You are not sure they are gay, but you can't prove they aren't.

   I'm on the "I love food more than I love exercise but I love naps more than I love food" diet.

   You have not experienced crazy until you experience NYC crazy. A man just tried to sell me a book he wrote called Don't beat your kids or they are going to turn out like me. Lol

   I got 0 problems and denial is one!

   GET RICH OR FALL ASLEEP TRYIN

   The best things in life make no sense.

   Some are living and others are struggling not to die........

   That drunk girl that steals my phone and pretends to be me on here every weekend is coming over tonight

   I need to start watching WNBA b/c it seems like woman are playing NBA players better than NBA players are playing themselves...

   A family that resemble The Klumps just walked into McDonalds. It's like watching the food version of Beyond Scared Straight.

   I figured out to lose some weight. I'm going to get a full-body tattoo of myself only 50 pounds smaller.

   Almost made a citizens arrest today on the grounds of you being a douche bag. In the end I only walked behind you and stepped on your heels.

   I believe I can find my soul mate in #TomorrowLand

   I've never got tired of loving people. I do get tired of putting up bullsh*t, dogsh*t, catsh*t they show after getting the attention.

   There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.

   I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.

   That's not a fragrant pillow, your head's on my a$$!