Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Playing the villain is so much more fun than kissing ass.

   there a law that says your socks have to match?

   'Erotic Thriller' always sounds better than 'Terrible Film.'

   Sadly, knowing where the bodies were buried did not save the job of Bob the Grave Digger.

   It doesnt matter if I die a heros or natural death, my friends and relatives at my funeral will ask "so how much bloody alcohol was it?"

   Looking For a Truly Romantic & Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please pm my inbox for details...... Midgets, Casey Anthony and Octomom - Don't Bother applying!

   NEWS: Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies.... (Specifically, the ones that swim around outside the school.)

   OMG !! This Google Circles thing is the Shizznitt... - posted on Facebook.

   People are instagraming their tweets so they can upload it to facebook....technology these days

   noticed something today at a restaurant. the womens restaurant sign is wearing a dress but the handicap sign beside it isnt...is the handicap woman naked?

   Going "balls to the wall" is something that I will never ever ever ever EVER do, cuz... youch!

   In this lifetime you either win the Triple Crown or you get tendinitis. You can't have both.

   Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air...... Police say they have several leads...

   Oh, you've heard that one before? But not from me though.

   I want to buy the jersey of my favorite 2012 Stanley Cup Champion player ... but nobody my age wants to advertise the work "Quick" on their back ...

   OK if you really want me to watch soccer so be it. but for the life of me I don't understand why the counter counts up????

   Remember If you don`t stand for something, you`ll fall for anything!

   I'm supposed to be sore and bruised from sex, not manual labor.

   My back is sore like I had a night of awesome sex, my b0ner reminds me I didn't.

   now the jumping on Oprah's couch professing my love for Katie is even embarrassing to me. - Tom Cruise