Funny Status Messages

   note to self........when arguing with the wife at a public get together "Go wait in the car for me" is not a smart thing to say

   So Wake me up when I am Sober, When I'm not so drunk and so hungover. This Entire time I didn't know I was getting so tore up. This entire time I didn't know I was getting this f**ked up... I didn't know, I didn't know!..." ♫

   Maybe Mother Nature wants to be a dirty girl!

   Love is like writing your name on the beach’s sand. Eventually, the waves will wash it all away until nothing’s left.

   I give ulcers,... I don't get them

   WHATS?!?!?....You want me to work on Friday??? "

   My iPhone is like a time machine. I go to spend a couple of minutes on Twitter and Facebook and suddenly it's an hour later

   If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.

   Botox doesn't make you look young, it makes you look like you think you're old.

   Remember, Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday...!!!!

   What do you call a blond wearing a brunette wig? Artificial Intelligence.

   Turtles should be taught to use skate boards when crossing the road. . .

   If I were funny I'd be on tv. But I'm on Facebook instead... talk about a let down.

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements.

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   Have you tried checking her purse for your balls?

   Pain wouldn't be so bad if it didn't hurt so much.

   When one door closes…I am like, "Dammit! I locked my f cuking keys inside"

   The first date went so well I might even remove the duct tape for the second date.

   Oscar Wilde's last words were, "Either that wallpaper goes or I go."