Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is my day off so I'll spend it worrying that I'm wasting my day off before I have to go back to work.

   I like reading "Texts From Last Night" when I'm hungover... It's like yeah I'm pretty ridiculous, but at least I didn't take a dump in someone's shampoo bottle and then text about it.

   I'm one of the premiere snugglers of my generation.

   I find it distressing that some folks' universe doesn't radiate beyond the highest hair on their heads.

   at starbucks in my 'forever lazy' , starting to feel a little self conscious, people in line keep peeking in my ass flap, next time I'm wearing underwear

   Recent studies suggest that balding people have cooler heads, opposite socks still fit, and red crayons break easier then blue ones... (@_@)

   tricked my ride with pinwheels on my antenna, if only my moms didnnt make me put that big ass orange flag on my bumper

   restaraunts, where everyone imagines their food goes from the floor to your plates, but we eat it anyway, no matter how expensive

   just found a Adam Sandler for President FB pg... has there ever been a thought that hasnt been made into a page or group?

   From the moment I opened my eyes I"ve thought of you. Just thinking of the moment I can hold you in my arms. Pull you next to me and press my lips to you. You warm my heart and calm me down. You make me smile and complete my life. Oh morning coffee, "i LO

   My kids had to ride in the back today on the way to school. ..well the dog called shotgun.!!.

   Reviews are in for Windows 8, looks like it's going to be the best Facebook access device yet.

   trying to figure out the Euro debt crisis but it's all Greek to me...

   Ladies, most of the time us guy are like placemats. We only show up when there's food on the table.

   If you're not in love right now, you're wasting valuable time!

   the store has close parking spots for "new parents"...if I adopt a 10 yr old, do I get to park there?

   You sent me a picture of your pen!s, so I sent one back and I'm the a$$hole?! I thought you wanted to exchange pictures...

   Im Always Tree Shoppin Like Its Christmas

   My favorite people on Facebook are my friends and people that have no idea that I exist.

   I'm sitting here watching "The First 48", and thinking, you just killed someone....is it THAT hard to plead 'not guilty" and just take your chances..