Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

   Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.

   ... Hey ..... My kid didn't have Child Safety Seats when growing up ... And look how well he turned out!!! He invented the Child Safety Seat and is now worth $187 Million ..... #SmartLivesMatter

   Just got up to go to the bathroom and realised I left my work ID swipe card in my jacket. Found the jacket, checked the pockets. Found it. Then realised I didn't need my swipe ID to use the bathroom AT MY HOUSE....😑

   I'm beginning to think Donald Trump is considering gathering all of his Vice Presidential candidates together in a secret place and have them fight to the death to prove their loyalty?

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.

   Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.

   When is the Olympic participation awards ceremony?

   Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   The More You Know: Jesus loved trees not cake, that's why on Dec 25th we have Christmas Trees.

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?

   Angelina Jolie filing for divorce? Maybe I have a chance this time. Anyone have her number?

   I'm so jazzed .... It's obvious that Angelina DID get that letter I sent her claiming my undying love for her!! Still trying to figure out why it took her four years to divorce the Scmuck tho.

   I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.

   Hey ... Does it mean anything when you see an elderly woman hobbling out the back door of the Presidential Debate Stage door crying and screaming vulgarities and met with a limousine driven by Huma Abedin?

   Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.