Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need a break is the new I'd rather not ever speak with you again.

   Ours was love at first fight.

   We fear that which we do not understand. And spiders.

   I was fired from my job for going the extra mile. Being a tour guide is hard!

   I heard that women like it when you check up on them. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen.

   David Beckham does some amazing football tricks.. I hear that he managed to hit Katherine Jenkins chin with two balls.

   I'm not outta style. I'm outta place.

   I have two blood pressures. The one I normally have all day, and the one when my wife needs to borrow my phone.

   Sometimes a long distance relationship just means opposite ends of the couch.

   you don't have to say everything you think

   Just saved a bunch of money by switching my insurance to passenger seats

   I just heard that you should never enter into a marriage lightly...Heck, I must have been 275 lbs when I got married! So i'm good,,,

   I spent most of my money on whiskey.hot cars,fast women, and motorcycles....and the rest of it I just wasted.

   Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

   I replaced hating everything with Justin Beiber. . .

   If the condom don't fit you must acquit - Darren Sharpers Defense

   Just got more spam from AmishGuy -- I am starting to wonder if it's legit.

   BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!

   Have you tried wrapping your feelings in a tortilla?

   Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it