Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   has pants that say Snickers on them because they are packed with nuts and they always satisfy.

   Trump said he would get rid of NAFTA in his 100 days in office. Now he says he's not going to scrap it afterall. Does this guy actually knows what he's doing???

   why is there a trump filter and not an oblablah filter

   Take two, you know you got good bud when you stink up the whole HOUSE before you spark it. Sorry I'm high :D

   GIRL : “Your teeth” BOY : “Yes, what about them?” GIRL : “They remind me of a song” BOY : “Oh really what song ?” GIRL : “Black and Yellow”

   Some of you ladies need to stop listening to Beyonce. F*ck relationships! Just keep swallowing until he love you

   Dear God, its me again. If you are not busy making rich people richer, can I have a minute of your time please?

   I hate winter because I can't sniff bike seats.

   I was outside today and man is it hot. I was sweating more than Brandon at a press conference..

   Getting a refund? Log on to IRS.gov to spin the wheel and play “double or nothing

   "now available in all stores. Side effects include: unusual bleeding or bruising, nausea and death."

   For all you crying babies that don't like "government",or "government is to big",move to Somalia,no "government there for the last 20 years

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   Cats have nine lives...which makes them perfect for experimenting on...

   Lots of people know that when a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. What they don't know is every time a mousetrap goes off, an angel gets set on fire.

   wants to know that if God didn't want us to eat meat, why did he make Cows so slow? Have you ever eaten a Cheetah burger? Nope, and you never will.... !!!!

   we go together like pimps hands and hoes faces

   "Don't speak to me, I will k!ll you, eat you, sh!t you, stomp you flat, scrape what's left of you off my shoe onto the curb and set you on fire!!!" "Damn baby, I just said good morning." "I'll go get the Midol and Pr0zac."

   you know your a Packer Fan when the bluebook value of your truck goes up and