Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   's girlfriend asked him to lay under the coffee table with the glass top. Wonder what she's gonna do??

   if good girls sit on santa's lap, do bad ones sit on his face?

   Love is a game in which one always cheats.

   wants to make the Top News Feed, but my wife thinks I Can't do it, Let's prove the B*tch Wrong!"

   Medical Marijuana vs Medical Alcohol... Why is the first one illegal?

   Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   people ask me....why you keep your wallet in your front pocket...I say....I like walking towards money not away from it

   just picking up a little bit of the green eyed monster from our colonial cousins,just stick to what you do best and slag your own leaders off,we have trees older than your country ,so just wind your neck in junior. !!

   We all have that ONE person we would gladly take back in a second...No matter how much bullsh*t they put us through and hurt us in the past.

   I bought a new roll of Bounty paper towels and misplaced them. Does that make me a bounty hunter now?

   Ladies don't request a guy with a big d*ck and try to limit how deep he can go! You're in violation!!!!!

   I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

   Today is Independence Day. The day when Americans show their deepest gratitude to Will Smith and thank him for saving us from the Alien Invasion!

   I think I need a catch phrase after sex...Something like "You've just been blessed!!" or "And now you know...And knowing is half the battle!!" or my personal favorite "Shazaam!!"

   Ancestry.com: The southern version of eHarmony.

   Mary Jane is the only woman that won't complain when you hit her.

   I really wish "Mayhem" from Allstate would eliminate "Flo" from Progressive!

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   has pants that say Snickers on them because they are packed with nuts and they always satisfy.

   Trump said he would get rid of NAFTA in his 100 days in office. Now he says he's not going to scrap it afterall. Does this guy actually knows what he's doing???