Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facetious: The only word in the English dictionery to use all the vowels in a row. a.e.i.o.u.

   The Trump administration has removed endangered species protections for parrots. Polly hates a cracker.

   97-year-old WWII vet goes viral after 'taking a knee' to support NFL players.

   People aren't too smart these days. If someone is fighting so hard to keep their tax returns a secret, that means that person has nothing to hide!

   Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

   so what if I'm single now? I mean it cant be that hard to boil toast can it ?

   If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized

   Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

   Singer Meat Loaf has died. He will be cremated at 375° for 1 hour. His ashes will be mixed with mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans.

   Why dont they serve hotdogs at a gay picnic. because they taste like shiiit

   Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).

   If we keep killing entitlement, healthcare, etc, pretty soon all America will be defending are the 1% and a bunch of rocks.

   Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

   The one good redeeming value of pedophiles is that they do drive slow through school zones.

   I woke up this morning to the sound of crickets outside. Then I quickly realised, it was the wife lying next to me with her legs open.

   Jerry Sandusky is retiring at the end of the month oh wait I meant The Pope My bad

   What if Jesus was real and not really from heaven but a man from the distant future and the people considered his technology as miracles?

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   What's the funniest thing in the world?Ten blind guys trying to sit at a table set for eight