Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone tells my dog she's a good girl but they haven't done any background checks.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have big titties and a BIG booty! #Distractions

   if a sniper used a laser to shoot me in my house, I would be wearing 3 cats on my face

   95 % of all my hallucinations have the Banana splits in them.

   Arm amputees: "Stumped" for cash? Earn a lucritive second income by taking impressive fisting photos.

   Judge William Adams I hope you go to Fedral Pound you in the Butt Prison

   These fuel prices are killing me, literally. While siphoning from my neighbors car I swallowed a pint of that sh!t. Gotta fix my technique.

   Dear Antarctica: Have you lost some weight? Sincerely, global warming

   I know these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   children are God's way of punishing us for having sex.

   I don't hate you, I just hope your next period starts in a shark tank.

   Safer to let my kids walk in Compton then let them go to VA Tech!

   Damn you Migasjoe and your BookOfTebow!

   What's the funniest thing in the world?Ten blind guys trying to sit at a table set for eight

   So lets be clear ...we have the McRib, Kim Kardashian is single and the NBA is back? Black Guys are winning.........

   Obama to visit Disney World on Thursday. I guess they are planning on expanding and hiring more people or he just wants another vacation

   I woke up this morning to the sound of crickets outside. Then I quickly realised, it was the wife lying next to me with her legs open.

   Jerry Sandusky is retiring at the end of the month oh wait I meant The Pope My bad

   What if Jesus was real and not really from heaven but a man from the distant future and the people considered his technology as miracles?

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶