Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   97-year-old WWII vet goes viral after 'taking a knee' to support NFL players.

   Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).

   Q. What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe? A. The canoe will eventually tip.

   If we keep killing entitlement, healthcare, etc, pretty soon all America will be defending are the 1% and a bunch of rocks.

   People aren't too smart these days. If someone is fighting so hard to keep their tax returns a secret, that means that person has nothing to hide!

   Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

   Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

   Singer Meat Loaf has died. He will be cremated at 375° for 1 hour. His ashes will be mixed with mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans.

   so what if I'm single now? I mean it cant be that hard to boil toast can it ?

   If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized

   Why dont they serve hotdogs at a gay picnic. because they taste like shiiit

   Try this: Get in a elevator with a bunch of strangers make sure you'r closest to the door,then turn and say, "I'm sure you'r all wondering why I gathered you here."

   Hey Bellichoke let em walk in the endzone, you f#ck...

   Go Daddy, more like Crash Daddy!

   Geez, how many pigs do I have to kill to get the term "hamicide" to catch on.

   ...... OMG ...... forget about worrying about the end of the Mayan Calendar on 12-21-2012!!!! ..... I just noticed that my Staples Calendar ends TONITE!!!!! ........ YIKES!!!!

   feeling more lazy than the fuy who invented the japanese flag

   Just won the lotto but can't find my ticket

   (._. ) (._.) ( ._.) ( '-' ) Oh pardon me, I'm just looking to give a f**k!