Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   95 % of all my hallucinations have the Banana splits in them.

   Arm amputees: "Stumped" for cash? Earn a lucritive second income by taking impressive fisting photos.

   Judge William Adams I hope you go to Fedral Pound you in the Butt Prison

   These fuel prices are killing me, literally. While siphoning from my neighbors car I swallowed a pint of that sh!t. Gotta fix my technique.

   Dear Antarctica: Have you lost some weight? Sincerely, global warming

   I know these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   children are God's way of punishing us for having sex.

   I don't hate you, I just hope your next period starts in a shark tank.

   Safer to let my kids walk in Compton then let them go to VA Tech!

   Damn you Migasjoe and your BookOfTebow!

   anyone who enjoys pizza with pineapples probably beats up children and kisses with their eyes open

   I saw my ex earlier and realized how much I missed her. Had to go back round the roundabout and run her over on the second attempt.

   I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

   Dog catcher called. He said my dog was chasing someone on a bike. Can't be my dog. He doesn't have a bike.

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying "You're not pregnant, have a nice day!"

   Bring back cheap smokes and the stubby bottle, there's a Trudeau driving Canada again

   *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"

   Hey Chick-fil-a, hamburgers aren't made from dairy cows...

   Ladies; When a guy you don't know offers to buy you a drink in a club, he's not being nice he wants to have sex with you. It's not rocket science.

   Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.