Funny Status Messages
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Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him... 
ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head
Don't worry Brady, Arizona just took the spot light off you with the worst decision in NFL history
Nobody talks on the phone anymore. If I like you, I'd rather hear your voice. Texting has made sh*t less intimate.
HALLOWEEN PRO TIP.... put on your costume then over top of it do the classic ghost blanket costume....go trick-or-treating as a ghost then take the blanket off & go a 2nd round as the other costume you wore underneath....double candy
Gotta love Lamar Odom.... This is the first time in history the hookers and coke actually saved a guy's marriage.... Rock on Lamar
What I have survived could kill 99% of you.
Don't forget to have a thought and a prayer for the poors when you buy your useless stuff this weekend
If you put Isis and my ex gf together all you going to see is pure evil
As much as Santa came last night I bet he will sleep for a week
I used to play in a band. now I just play with myself
Chemists tell great joke, but they don't get a reaction because all their people skills Argon. OMG... that's Sodium funny, right? NA? Okay.
I smoke because I enjoy the smell of death.
Velveeta Cheesocalypse...Why weren't we prepared?
Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.
That special moment when you enter a Starbucks and because the music is loud, you feel free to fart. Then you realize that you had your headphones on!
Be careful when you're thmoking a metal bowl in thub thero temperaturths.
the stanley cup > a silver football
So hom0s like men clean shaven, hairless, emotional, caring men? Why don't they just go for women???
Want to make friends at a new job? When going to the bathroom, choose the urinal next to someone and strike up a conversation. Be sure to compliment their stance and form. 