Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New York on terror alert as Al Qaeda threaten to crash submarines into the Empire State Building.

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

   Like, if you believe that HR is stupid and evil.

   When the kids are bad this time of year, I tell them I just burned one of their presents. If they're really bad, I say it was the puppy.

   Here's an idea....maybe Obama can grow a beard until the Obamacare website works

   A daughter asked her mother how to spell pinus, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

   The lower middle-class is the new black

   It took just one week for a $1 trillion wipeout in U.S. stocks. Winning?

   How long before Donald Trump claims the Obama White House assassinated JFK?

   Remember when perjury was a crime punishable by being fired or jail. Now its against the law for republicans.

   Gas is about $4.25 a gallon and girls still think guys come over just to "chill"

   Time magazine's breastfeeding cover is pretty good, but I wish they'd used a hotter three-year-old.

   I know how the Chinese name their kids....they throw a bunch of silverware out the window.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

   Size 12 and Up Skinny Jeans should be made illegal.

   Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin....

   My toilet seat was stolen, not sure who took it, right now I have nothing to go on.

   remember the old 80's drug commercials..The fryin pan and the egg? This is your brain....this is your brain on drugs...any questions? yeah can I have some bacon and toast with that ?

   's Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.