Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a hungry cannibal choped your head open, there wouldn't even be enough to cover a water biscuit...

   Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.

   I told my wife the succubus did it, she still slaped me..

   misses being naked and playing twister with the cat.

   HEY! Dude at the crosswalk, hitting that button repeatedly doesn't make the light change any faster. STOP DOING THAT!

   Facebook's starting to creep me out. I just got a friend request from a woman with the following attached message, "I like you. I like my men like I like my coffee. Freeze dried in a jar kept in the back of the fridge." I clicked "accept". Was that a mist

   to UK Down We're not exactly thrilled with the situation ourselves after being screwed financially & legally by Europe & the US for 60 years.

   im against picketing, but I dont know how to show it

   heard in the news today that Ecstasy is being used to combat cancer. I'm not sure if the researchers testing this have ever done Ecstasy before, but if you get the right hit of E and you will forget that you have anything wrong with you.

   everybody stop complaining, just imagine how many bars of soap were dropped in prisons all up the east coast

   I just made a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico, Thanks Irene

   If I were rich I would be eccentric, but I'm not rich, so I'm just weird instead

   If you're doing it right, someone will say you're doing it wrong.

   My father was right up there with Einstein in the Science department...She taught me all about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

   Some times the only way to win is to not suck at the game.

   WHAT I HAVE LEARNED: 'Hold me closer Tony Danza' sounds better than 'Tiny Dancer'...just say'n.

   Computers are VERY educational devices... they teach people how to @#%$ cuss!

   Just did a 50,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, with the picture FACE DOWN...

   Facebook is a like real life in that I don't think of the witty reply until 5 or 6 days after the conversation happened.

   If ‘real life' was really that great, Facebook wouldn't be so darn addictive.