Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I am asking Santa for this year is his list of naughty women over 30. . .

   new way for a woman to get even with her ex....take his credit card & go on a shopping spree at target

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I'm Dreaming Of A White Isthmus ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ .....(Hey what can I say, I have a thing for snow covered narrow strips of land connecting two larger land areas.)

   brought home warm beer.. put one on the back porch.. 3 minutes a side.. came out perfect

   Jameis Winston's trial has been overturned, because he is getting raped!

   I asked for a glass of cold water from my drunk af friend I found him with a cup in the microwave. I told him "I said cold water whys it in the microwave?" He replied "we didn't have any cold water, so I'm melting ice for you" l

   The police are searching Justin Bieber's house for eggs. "Take your time." said every rapist and murderer.

   If the 'D' stands for death, then yes, my Wife REALLY wants my 'D'.

   Did Obama not give insurance to the Comedians around here?

   soccer weenies ?? try some rugby......eejit!!!

   Show me your birth certificate Donald Trump.

   Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts.

   Dear Facebook, how does it matter what Trump thinks about me? What matters is what he thinks about our beautiful land of America

   only close minded individuals talk about politic on social media!

   Now, Jose won't take away the toilet scrubbing job away from me.

   My fly's been down all day ... so I left some feces particles on the toilet seat to try to cheer him up.

   this is a good time to buy the Halloween candy. it makes great stocking stuffers

   Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.

   On my next geography test, I'm putting down Kansas City in in the state of Kansas.

   "Is you house baby-proof?" Yes, I threw like 7 babies at it and the house didn't break.