Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breast-feeding Mom....Y you No wink back???

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight.

   Congress is now drafting new legislation that would make it mandatory for anyone purchasing this appliance to be entered into a national pressure cooker database. Details at 11

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien spaceship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe Flash Player.

   they say dogs and owners look alike.. is that why Obamas dog is sportin a fro and is black an white?

   The J€ws only use the Old Testament, because its too expensive to upgrade.

   So another shooting occurs in another College..... I dont know why we not making the bullets more expensive than college by now

   Waiting for some indian dude to come out with a song called Ghandi style

   Lil Wayne Engaged, Wiz Khalifa Engaged, Snooki Pregnant & Engaged.... Everybody got a ring but Lebron.

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   *Spoiler Alert* Batman dies of throat cancer on The Dark Knight Rises .

   Who said, " nothing is impossible!" try nailing jello to a tree.

   I walk light so I don't piss the ground off..

   Do you work for subway? Cause you just gave me a foot long.

   I'm going to get in shape, pear is a shape...right???

   last night, I laid in bed, looking up at the stars, and thought to myself, "where the hell is my roof?"

   I bet you $20 I don't have a gambling problem.

   Who know why there are so Many Birthdays in October? Simply because valentine day was nine months Ago people who are born in this month most be called fruit of love ;)

   Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

   Chasing a FAT MAN in red with salad, Oh It's SANTA