Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time for UK to return Falkland Islands to Argentine or face The Pope!!

   I love when people see me and say..." Ohh I've been meaning to call you.. But lost your number.." B itch my number hasn't changed in 10 yrs! It should be implanted into your brain cells!

   Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting "born again" and pretending I'm possessed by the Devil is not so funny to "non drunk people".

   Now that Britney Griner's collegiate career is over....do you think he will end up with the Heat and Lebron?

   Being afraid of North Korea is like calling the FBI because someone threatened you in a YouTube comment.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and drink your poison.

   Are you worried your not getting any phone calls? #1 Place cell Phone on silent. #2 Wait about 1 hour you should get at least 10 missed calls. #3 For the heck of it now turn volume to loudest

   thinks that Kanye West stormed in when Kim was giving birth and shouted "yo respect to the woman but I think Beyonce would be grunting and giving birth much better....much much better".

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.

   Fire fighters confirmed that the fire did not start in Trumps library 📚

   My private part is like an electric eel. It's not super charged or anything. It's that women are afraid to go near it.

   If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

   Tryna see how I’m finna split 8$ between 17 people for Christmas 🥴..

   *swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

   No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate slong wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

   As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

   I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel....she died

   If I was a spy, my perfect code name would be "Individual 1".

   Today, I lied, lied about lying, changed my mind, lied about changing my mind, changed my mind about lying, blamed someone for something I did, lied about blaming someone, took a breath, and lied.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you read online is anyone could have brought them. Thomas Edison,