Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting "born again" and pretending I'm possessed by the Devil is not so funny to "non drunk people".

   Now that Britney Griner's collegiate career is over....do you think he will end up with the Heat and Lebron?

   Being afraid of North Korea is like calling the FBI because someone threatened you in a YouTube comment.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and drink your poison.

   Are you worried your not getting any phone calls? #1 Place cell Phone on silent. #2 Wait about 1 hour you should get at least 10 missed calls. #3 For the heck of it now turn volume to loudest

   thinks that Kanye West stormed in when Kim was giving birth and shouted "yo respect to the woman but I think Beyonce would be grunting and giving birth much better....much much better".

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.

   Fire fighters confirmed that the fire did not start in Trumps library 📚

   The dust has settled, the votes have been counted, the U.S. has decided on their President. As a country you guys should try to unite and move forward, find common ground, and settle your differences. Democrats, stroke their elephant. Republicans, kiss th

   I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.

   We all live in a yellow submarine

   Moonlight not my Oscar winner. #thanksrussia #LaLaland2018

   Happy "Go Make Me A Sandwich" day!

   Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.

   Meatloaf's "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" is Trump's favorite song about what is the appropriate percentage of your wives who should be immigrants.

   When Trump was pledging to drain the swamp, his rabid supporters never noticed that he didn't have anything good to refill the swamp with once it was drained.

   Sarah Palin still a Trump loyalist?

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there's a cavity."

   When it comes time to vote and your only choice is between a liar and an orangutan

   Sarah Palin claims Russia didn't hack the DNC because she can see them from her house.