Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On arrrr Talk Like a Pirate Day, ye should take a moment to remember being in Davy's grip during the big rat scurvy epidemic.

   After reading an article entitled, “The 7 Weirdest Birth Control Methods Throughout History” I don't have any questions about where STDs might have come from anymore.

   No one ever wants to feel tied down by someone, that's why you give them drugs first so they don't feel a thing.

   Miley Cyrus sounds like the name of an adorable virus.

   Does a piece of sh*t know it's a piece of sh*t or does it think it's awesome?

   I have met many people who had no clothes.....and I have met a lot of clothes, inside of which there were no people.....

   Forget love and lust, I just want to find someone I can be comfortable with and not have to hold my farts in when I am with them. . .

   I play this awesome drinking game where I take a shot at every red light...and this is why I'm not allowed to adopt children.

   Chances are, if you're just a little bit smart assy, I like you.

   Just when you think you have her, that is when you aren't even close

   I don't Always wear my glasses but when I do I can see properly.

   "I quit" - Ahmad Jauhari Yahya, Group Chief Executive Officer Malaysia Airlines

   Strangers who think it's okay to just have a random chat with me is what's wrong with the world today.

   You all need to listen to Ray Rice cover Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator". Its going to be a bit hit.

   Nice hash-tag Dallas Cowboys, but I do agree, ‪#‎CowboySUK‬! errrr....CowboysUK I mean....

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia...

   They said to dress for the job I want; not the one I have. So now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume.

   if they don't curb these protests, foreign intervention Wil be needed...mostly by Libya, Iran or iraq

   Stock in Vin Diesel just went down.

   Engage your brain before touch the keyboard