Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every day I change my birthday on Facebook to THAT day just for all the attention.

   We were so enamored that we forgot to check his qualifications

   Uncle sam & all his relatives gotta take a piece of my paycheck. Half of these people I don't even know what they do...like who the hell is FICA???

   since I am unemployed I tell everyone "this is my Friday" all day everyday so at least I get some cheap thrill out of dying alone

   Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation, the other 8 are unimportant.

   Third parties always complicate a relationship that's meant for two.

   FYI Nic Cage, If you keep telling police to arrest you, eventually they will do it....Hope the judge throws a book at him, you know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it!

   Look ahead, not behind and we will find piece of mind. I know you'll find a place to dry my little social butterfly!

   If you google “MySpace” your computer will ask “Are you serious right now?”

   Bush paid 3.5 million to piss on his face

   I commit crimes to keep the cops earning a living...

   you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? well,the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.....

   Dear birds who so graciously woke me before my alarm clock did.... F-CK YOU!!

   I don't know cupid but I met his evil step brother stupid who uses alcohol instead of arrows and causes one night stands..RJ

   It's ironic that there's only one I in Forest Whitaker.

   movie coming out in 2012: "I still kinda remember what you did that summer"

   I don't just think of them as my children, but also, God forbid, as a human shield.

   know pizza, know peace. no pizza, no peace

   tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie. Broke both of my legs

   GTL,.......just had a grinder and a taco, and now bout to finish my laundry