Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May your turkey be overstuffed and the belt on your robe loose enough. Happy Thanksgiving!

   First love is when you meet in the moonlight and you find her lips pressed against yours. Married love is when you meet in the kitchen and she finds your trainers by the sink.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   whatever does not kill me, only make's me stranger.

   on his way to the eye doctor. Hoping for at least a 12.2 megapixel upgrade :)

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   I bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

   not suffering from insanity. Hes embracing every second of it.

   thank you facebook for remembering so many birthdays.

   Since that one incident in the restroom, I can never look at chocolate the same......

   Although your check in at Taco Cabana makes me hungry, we DO NOT need to know your pin point location on a daily basis. Unless your out of town or at a cool strip club, keep your daily errands to yourself.

   finding himself saying "never eat soggy worms," to remeber my easts and wests

   There are only two possibilities why so many birds died all at once. A government conspiracy testing a new weapon, or the birds flew into the side of a UFO as the UFO was watching all the pretty fireworks that supposedly scared the birds to death.....

   I think if a mandatory viewing of the movie, "Dogma" , has ever been warranted, this might be the day

   has a hangover so bad that the only thing keeping him alive is the hope that he'll drop dead

   Yowers...You know the way she keeps trying to Double Dare me...I'm think she's wants to Take the Physical Challenge

   I feel like I am retaining water today. Omg. that's it. no more lifetime movies or chick flicks....

   wondering why abbreviated is such a long word?

   here..now what are your other two wishes????

   I have a six pack which I wanna show off at the beach this summer it was too blady long in the fridge.