Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took my friend Damien (aka C-Brick) to see the premier of the new Planet of the Apes film. He spent most the night signing autographs after the movie....

   Dear Smiley Face, can you take your quote and shove it up where the sun dont smile.

   Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil

   "never on cilantro, but always on thyme."

   Two plus two is five given very large quantities of two.

   If you thought 9/11 was bad, you definitely didn't see 11/9 coming...

   With increased coal production the White House hopes to make steam locomotive travel popular again. Next up, whale oil lamps.

   I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car

   How did cavemen meet women? They went clubbing.

   FOX needs to hire more women who look like Rachel Madcow. Problem solved.

   If we are just going to hand the election to the person that gets more votes, then democracy is truly broken...sad.

   The only Marx I want to hear about is Groucho

   My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop. Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

   I swear to drunk I am not god

   Tony Stewart just announced he has Parkinson's Disease too.

   I still remember 2014 like it was yesterday!

   Kudos to all the GOP Presidential candidates for their 2 days of silence regarding the shooting victims

   I've got some terrible news: FOX

   Why does a Mexican re-fry their beans? Have you ever seen a Mexican do something right the first time?

   Black guys from other countries aren't really "Black Guys"