Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him. That's more my speed.

   hopes he can buy Billy Mays beard, that thang is magnificent!

   ♫ Oh the weather outside is weather.... ♫

   Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark

   Before that van starts a'rockin, make sure that c*ck's got a stockin'!

   The reason a man can walk around shirtless with his beer gut hanging out and still feel sexy is because we ARE sexy.

   ♫ ♪ ♫♫ He ain't Peyton. ♪ ♫ ♫ He's his Brother ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'

   Good Lord that song " Red Solo Cup' is the dumbest song ever. I would have to kick my on a** if I wrote that song

   trying to find out who's on first and what's on second?!?

   Jesus IS the son of God and God's not dead. Stop living a self absorbed life holding to the flaeed ever-changing religion of Science. it is time that you understand that you are not the one in control.

   Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

   bartending at the Betty Ford Clinic

   Some days I'm not sure whether I am a Catholic or an angry Protestant!

   Silly Balloon Boy Dad. The only way you can get away with lying to the American people and toying with their emotions is to be a politician.

   Messin with Sasquatch

   WAIT!... I'm still Loading ████████████ 99%

   ... all in all we're just another brick in the Wal(Mart).

   Please put this as your status if you know, or are related to, someone killed on Alderaan when it was obliterated by the Death Star. The Rebel Alliance wants to bring peace to the galaxy, but the Galactic Empire continues to kill innocent civilians. 93% w

   Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.