Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P to all the virginity that will be lost tonight.

   i don't get it...tonight theres millions of breaking & entering cases but nobody calls the police because they get bought off with presents

   At a nerd wedding they don`t say, "I do." They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

   kids at the front door selling drugs!!!! I got 3 boxes of thin mints coming!

   I think this buddy of mine is becoming really good at fishing coz all his neighbors call him a MASTER BAITER!....bravo buddy!

   an intelligent carbon based lifeform.

   Manti Te'o watches Clint Eastwood speaking to an empty chair *nods approvingly*

   there's a million fish in the sea and I'm just worm to attract them!

   I love you but I'm not, "I want us to be miserable together," in love with you.

   I haven't been this bored since Everlast told me his life story.

   Dan Marino's Love Child: There were no DNA tests. This came about when the mom saw the kid throw her bottle across the room in a perfect spiral hitting her dead center in the face every time.

   Bring back hanging,that's what I say... tumble-driers are useless....

   I'm way way way more concerned about the adults still writing think-pieces today on Miley Cyrus than Miley Cyrus.

   I hand lettered this. Does it look real?

   A Jehovah witness closely follows opportunity,hides behind it and waits for it to knock on your door.

   If we could harness all the stupid f**ks in the world we'd become free of fossil fuels. . .

   I'm not just handsome. I'm Photoshop handsome.

   Steve Martin had his first kid today at the age of 67... and that is how it's done. Happy Valent Times day to him."

   i'm an animal in the bedroom...a sloth

   I don't want to think today. I just want to breathe.