Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bad relationships are like speed bumps. They force you to slow down and think about where you're headed.

   Life can never give security, it can only promise opportunity. So seize that sh*t like a drug raid at Charlie Sheen's house.

   íts funnч hσw whєn ím σn thє phσnє í wαndєr tσ plαcєs ín mч hσusє í nєvєr gσ.

   Boys - If you can't convince them, Confuse them. Girls : If you can't convince them, Unfriend them from Facebook and B!TCH about them. . .

   I dont know about you, but I think I'm perfectly ok that nobody ever pays me in gum.

   Dog Commercials during the superbowl are the funniest. I'm going to sign my dog for acting classes. At least they be more greatful than those hamsters I sent, who drove of in my KIA.

   lol :57 sec left- this is going to be the longest 2 hours ever

   I have over 200 cds.. This iPod better be ready for this nonsense I call music!

   Why use ADT when you can use an AK-47?

   wtf? the side effects of my script includes all my symptoms, how am I gonna know if its working?

   just found a turd in my potted plant and I dont have a cat

   Nothing brings two people closer than the hatred of a third person.

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   If I ever find a hot chick's "To Do" list. I'm so adding my name to the bottom.

   As far as I'm concerned, every Coldplay song is called "Nasal Rain."

   Since 2012 will be the end of the world I am going to do things I have never done before; like showing up to work in time, drink responsibly, pay my taxes, respect my elders...screw it, I'm going out with a bang!!!

   My stick figure family is just a burrito, a television, and a bottle of whiskey. Do they make those stickers?

   bThe awkard moment when the only thing you know on your test is your name.

   I don't understand why there's still murder now that you can watch naked chubby women tickle each other whenever you want on your computer.

   Just did that thing where you dump an entire pot of spaghetti on your head and start crying.