Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl has been asleep for 14 hours now. I'm debating trying to wake her in case she's dead. But then again if I do wake her up I'll then be dead..

   A selfie where your heart used to be.

   I don’t know a lot, but I know Facebook is as helpful as a football bat.

   Sorry I buried the hatchet in your face.

   .... There are only two things that are certain in life .... and I took care of one of them today .... let's hope the other one holds off for a while ....

   The worst part about shooting a unicorn with a crossbow is that it turns into a real horse when it dies and no one believes you.

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   I am way to old for this "being sober" sh*t...

   why would you run on a treadmill when you could just turn it into a bed

   having sex with your ex is not cheating.....it is just a retirement benefits scheme

   Tom has a lot of space. He named his website very accurately.

   this cocaine cut with flour? Because I'm gluten free and very heath conscious.

   A big well done you had unprotected $eX and made a baby. Bravo *slow claps*

   hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

   Relax, I only plan on violating you virtually, you sexy beast.

   Ok effff it, I guess I'll go ahead and say it first, "new year new me!"

   Sorry you bled to death while I was looking at my phone.

   If you've ever been to the zoon and seen a gorilla get frustrated and distroy a banana with its fists then you've seem my wife give a hand job.

   Did a 5k today only instead of kilometers it was the number of calories I ate at lunch.

   Everyone is still talking about the Mayweather and Pacquiao fight and I'm just here like Dez caught it.