Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has lost his shoes

   If I caught a Grenade for you I Will No Longer Able to Hold On To You Forever!!!

   Of all the Savages. First I hoped Michael Savage, then I considered Fred Savage, but alas, its the finest Savage of all.

   I think the rapture stopped along the way for happy hour so that might explain the brief delay... I heard he's hanging out with the Dos Equis guy, the way that cat parties we might get a few extra days...

   If you care for me at all, upon meeting Dee Snider you will say "Aren't you the singer from that fake band in Pee Wee's Big Adventure?"

   Today I'm offering my "Tasting Menu" which is where I open the cans that got lost in the back of my cabinet and say, "Here, taste this."

   so this lady is buying a birthday card and diet suppliments, cant help but wonder if these items are not related or if she's just a b!tch

   The moment you say you are too good for someone is the moment they know the reverse is actually true.

   This year I broke ties with Winter, She was pretty mad and told Summer about me. So our relationship has benn stormy and a little chilly at times.

   Study: 50% of Jumbotron Marriage Proposals.. End in Jumbotron Divorce.

   was in a public toilet at the home depot and suddenly had an urge to confess my sins ... but the guy in the next stall wouldn't quit laughing.... how inconsiderate....

   Have you ever felt like your meant to do something great? Like actually make a difference? Mehh... me ether

   From now on when some one places a depressing FB status we should all just like it. I'm sad.. my life sucks..FML.. no one loves me.. LIKE That way they get the attention they want and maybe just maybe will get the idea that FB isnt the place to tell ever

   Your Proctologist called and left a message, they found your head!

   It's always five o'clock in my liver

   Be motivated by the hate you receive and encouraged by the love you receive.

   The most impressive magic trick of all is how magicians are able to make all of their shame disappear.

   ‎ I really hope Prince William doesn't get cold teeth, err, I mean feet!

   Whatever you do...don't eat the cheesy fish tacos.

   If the rapture is Saturday...I hope the Lord knows that I was listening to the preacher while colorin'