Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please be alert and help if you can! Every year many children leave their homes going to Mime School and are never heard from again! Please speak up for these silent victims!

   Has anyone seen my invisible pants?

   "Dude she just called you DEAF! " "What? " " She called you deaf !! " " Oh hell no, my name is NOT BETH "

   And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year

   the words "epic" and "swag" must be abolished at some point. But then again Snoop Dogg has epic swag.

   You know it's cold outside when you see chickens going to KFC to use the deep fryer as a hot-tub...

   Libertarians keep Republicans out of your bedroom and Democrats out of your wallet.

   France shouldchange the color of it's flag to match it's football/soccer team.....all-white

   Definition of a cougar status: The cougar comes out in you after 22 years living in the zoo behind bars with an a$$hole, then one day you wake up and leave the a$$hole behind bars and escape into the wild jungle....freedom to be yourself!!!

   Mayonnaise is now the largest ethnic group in the southern United States.

   Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.

   I've applied for a job at the DMV so I can be the one who decides who can have a license and who will f***ing walk.

   Learn something new everyday. Today I learned that leaving the lights on in your car overnight is not good for morning starts.

   Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.

   All dressed in my jammies and ready for bed, gonna give my sheets some ass and my pillows some head!! nighty night!!

   a busy day of laying on the couch while snacking and watching football ahead.

   1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz

   I have a dream, that I could just get paid for having a dream.

   found it really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around, and I guess that's what it's all about....

   dear gays. It's not you, it's me. I hate most straight people too…