Funny Status Messages
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Prayer is like duct tape. If it's not working, you need to use more of it. 
Guy and Girl in a Cars backseat and she says "Kiss me where it smells".....so he drove her to Newark,
"Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my lumber so haul me maybe?" - Mexicans outside Home Depot.
Do people that sell chairs give out stool samples?
froget Halloween its about to be the first of the month. I need my foodstamps, I'm hungry as hell!
The Muppets took over WWE last night. In other news, Dora the Explorer is refereeing MMA Octagon Thunderdown
Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall.
a Golden Shower the best to show a woman that she's the one? I mean, dogs piss on things to mark THEIR territory, right?
If a red headed man works at a bakery, Does that make him a gingerbread man?
I bet there was a lot of cabs and 711's shutdown today,due to mourning.
Happy Fat Women's Day!
Kelly Clarkson's new album will be delayed for a few months. Apparently it has upset all three people who were lining up to buy it.
I've recently found out that I can be a pain in my own ass...
your fat because you have a slow metabolism!!! yeah right!!! A slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!
it just me or did anyone else notice that Bob Marley never looked like a "Bob."
They have the cause of the earthquake narrowed down to either Obama's approval rating hitting the floor or the cemetery just outside of Washington DC. (You know, the one our Founding Fathers are in. They think that they all turned over in their graves.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If Donald Trump cuts funding for Sesame Street how will he ever learn to read?
If Trump's nose grew every time he told a lie, Melania could wipe his nose for him in New York when he is sniffling in Washington.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said "I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle" 