Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Squirting: A lie women with poor bladder control came up with to pee on our beds/faces.

   I am woman! Hear me babble until you zone out and then get pissed because you weren't paying attention. Roar.

   I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   I bet there was a lot of cabs and 711's shutdown today,due to mourning.

   Happy Fat Women's Day!

   Kelly Clarkson's new album will be delayed for a few months. Apparently it has upset all three people who were lining up to buy it.

   I've recently found out that I can be a pain in my own ass...

   your fat because you have a slow metabolism!!! yeah right!!! A slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   it just me or did anyone else notice that Bob Marley never looked like a "Bob."

   They have the cause of the earthquake narrowed down to either Obama's approval rating hitting the floor or the cemetery just outside of Washington DC. (You know, the one our Founding Fathers are in. They think that they all turned over in their graves.

   "Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my lumber so haul me maybe?" - Mexicans outside Home Depot.

   Do people that sell chairs give out stool samples?

   froget Halloween its about to be the first of the month. I need my foodstamps, I'm hungry as hell!

   The Muppets took over WWE last night. In other news, Dora the Explorer is refereeing MMA Octagon Thunderdown

   Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall.

   a Golden Shower the best to show a woman that she's the one? I mean, dogs piss on things to mark THEIR territory, right?

   If a red headed man works at a bakery, Does that make him a gingerbread man?

   wishes Lebron went to The Mets.

   went into BP after getting subway. and spilled my slushy all over the floor. and yelled "YOU DONT LIKE HOW THAT FEEELS HUH!" and left.

   it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.