Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OMG! Jesus is back! .... Hide the eggs!

   Gas is going up even higher and no way Obama will help. Democrats love high gas prices because they blame it on the republicans, and they think people driving less is better for going green.

   My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me

   There is a guy walking down the street. He has sagging pants, a hoodie with the hood up, and a gold chain. He walks into a convenient store and pulls out a gun and says "Give me all of the money!" Quick, What was the race of the guy in your imagination?

   Don't celebrate Rush Limbaugh's death. Mourn his life.

   America already had a circus for 8 years when we had dumbo I mean Obama as president

   Lindt have just released the CHOCOLATE COATED TAMPON..... (but only for the EASTER PERIOD)

   Anyone who says single moms don't do both roles of a mother & father when the father doesn't spend time or money with his children is THE DEAD BEAT we are referring to!!

   wondering why x is referring to x self in 3rd person

   Breaking News: Verizon has been called in to engineer the electricals.

   Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

   writing her acceptance speech for the upcoming Grammy's.

   not the weakest link

   thinks you should always follow your dreams.........well, except maybe not the one when I'm wondering around naked at work.

   Every day is April Fools if you voted for Trump.

   Congrats to Kim Kardashian & Reggie Bush uh Cristiano Ronaldo, I mean Nick Cannon? Nick Lachey? Ray J? Miles Austin? Oh Kris Humphries.......

   I feel like standing across the street facing a nursing home in a grim reaper costume and waving at all the old people I see...

   Cancer must be Chinese. It took our Jobs.

   ‎"He's a nurse." and "He's a cheerleader." sound the same to me.

   giving you his home made yule log this season. I'm mmmmmaking it nnnnow. I'll get it to you when I get out of the bathroom.