Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a circular driveway put in my front yard. Now I can't get out.

   JUST saw Santa jumping from roof to roof with half a dozen cops behind him. Perhaps he lost his Reindeer and they're helping him find them?

   I've run out of fingers & toes to count the reasons of why I'm going to hell.

   Two things some people can't live without, God and the internet, are everywhere and all-knowing. But only one of them gives you naked woman anytime you want.

   I like reverse cowgirl because she can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their guns don't work on him

   it would of been cool if Atlanta Falcons had won today....then the Super Bowl could be sponsored by the game "Angry Birds"

   If Dane Cook is lame, why do you follow him on Twitter?

   I just read that Stevie Wonder is filing for divorce. I guess in the end, they just didnt share the same views!

   Black guys and white guys never have more in common than when they're being yelled at in public by their girlfriends.

   I think the worst part about stubbing your toe is knowing a few seconds later the pain will come.

   Oooooh, It's SHARK week and NOT "shart" week...embarrassing :/

   My mother-in-law has to work for "Tips",,,,,,,,,, Yeah,, You see, Nobody will put the whole thing in....

   How about we start being thankful everyday,,, then have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?... It could even be tied somehow to Festivus

   ladies it's hard for us to read your thoughts if you already vocalize each and every last one of them

   Its not about how many friends you have. Its about how many of your friends you can rely on in times of trouble.

   This morning, I got robbed in the shower by some soap scum.

   My boss and I will have to agree to disagree. He wants me to do stuff that will make him money. I want to do stuff that will get me drunk.

   Wanted GF. A girl with good cooking skills and a jet ski, please show pic of jet ski.

   I'm not saying my ex wife was crazy but she was jealous of my dog...