Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe people still get divorced, it's like they don't even know Wiz Khalifa relationship advice accounts exist.

   FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.

   I'm gonna take a jog... down to that seat at the end of the bar!

   Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.

   Just ate 2 bagles and used only half the cream cheese. Diets are hard people!! Really hard.

   This new bidet is disturbingly accurate...how did they know the location of the target?

   I've been analizing chickens' behavior for weeks and I still can't determine why did they cross the road... My thesis is screwed

   Owning a car is having a friend you can scream inside of.

   Those who think they don't have a good face, should master Adobe Photoshop

   does getting a girlfriend mean I have to wear pants everyday because I'm not ready for that type of commitment

   A restraining order against morning people.

   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to until she got that restraining order.

   I only smoke weed as a safety service for the general public.

   I learned from the breast. I mean best. I learned from the best.

   did any of you guys ever have sex with 2 different women? In the same year?

   Pro Tip: If you serve meth at a party, you don't have to buy food. Serving pot on the other hand has the opposite effect.

   Sorry I ruined your life. I thought you were flirting with me.

   You call it a cry for help, I call it the reason for a ball gag.

   Get out of my glass, and get into my mouth - talking to vodka.

   Kim and Kanye did something today, not sure what, but it was all ove rthe news.