Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love pissing off a few hundred people before I go to bed. Waking up to a phone full of hate is the best way to start the day. <3

   Since when is driving and break dancing a crime, officer? I thought it was common practice to do the Coindrop as you approach a toll booth.

   Every weekend I participate in a liquid cleanse diet... with beer.

   Al Michaels arrested for DUI. Don't worry Al, John Madden makes me want to drink too.

   I just cut my lip on an Oreo. Well it was 3 Oreos. At the same time.

   But if he's had a vasectomy how do you trap him into marriage? *asking for a friend*

   You cannot solve a woman with the same level that other guys tried.

   Never tell a zombie that he looks like death warmed over

   Happy Birthday 21st Amendment

   Ok now confess! Who else just lost big in the office Pope naming pool?!?!?!😢🙈😂

   Snooze option must be the most pressed button in the morning :D

   "I bet you're the kinda girl who likes the strong, silent type, aren't you?" ~ best way to announce passing gas in an office setting while avoiding sexual harassment charges ツ

   I never responded to your foolishness because I still have what you don't want me to have!

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

   The list of artists featured in MTV Unplugged in 2011 up to the present tells you what kind of singers we have nowadays.

   I'm such a maverick. I refuse to make Sun tea. I'm making Moon tea, and let me tell you...that $hit's been on the back porch for 8 years and it STILL ain't done.

   People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

   I love it when you push my buttons, baby. But touch my car radio presets and I'll have to push you into oncoming traffic.

   Lost my brain.. If you find it please dont contact me. I am Happy!!