Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a ton of jail time by switching to Chris Brown!

   Something is definitely up at this police station, the cops are f$cking everywhere.

   It's so sad how some people only see the world as something to put on a resume or college application.

   Only had about 4 hours of sleep last night, that should be good right? It is not like I am going to fall asleep on my keyboar

   Carlos Santana just announced his song "You've got to change your evil ways" is blaring at Gadaffi's grave.

   I was gonna get something done... Then I logged in

   I would take Eddie Money's second ticket to paradise, then hope we're not seated together.

   I'm hungry, but there's a repair guy here and I don't feel comfortable eating. Suffering is funny until it happens to you.

   As a driver, I hate pedestrians... as a pedestrian, I hate cars... WTF I'm walking here!

   If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it will just be me sitting around crying.

   If I have ever hurt you, angered you or offended you in any way... then Mission Fuccomplished, ain't it?

   Google's self-driving car... 200,000 test miles, countless hours and dollars spent, and where is the first place the blind man drives himself.... Taco Bell!

   Team Edward, Team Jacob, & Team Hey Kid Read Some Anne Rice Already.

   Its a damn pity that when someone says, "Imma get mine," usually they're not talking about a diploma.

   I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught...

   My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an a$$hole.

   Satisfying your ego is not a easy job, you may get pleasure for a time but loneliness for lifetime

   Most priceless thing in my life??? My insanity...it makes everything ok :-)

   What the f needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?

   I'm not even really looking for a sex partner, just a sex collaborator would be nice.