Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The so called 'rapture' doesn't apply to me, mainly because I have more than half a brain and think the bible is the best story ever written, if only J K Rowling was about at least it would have had wizards in it!

   Men make mistakes the problem is god gave us a brain and A wienner but not enough blood supply to run both at the same time..!!!

   Um.... how is that akward? Well, unless you were sitting in your room naked with a bowl of Jell-o.

   wonders if makers of Raisin Bran and Grape Nuts ever get "Post" traumatic stress...

   Here's a tip for those that tan: If you end up lookin' like you rolled around in a bunch of Dorito's, you overdid it.

   Breaking News. Hurricane Katia sweeps across UK. Rain so bad that one person had to use an umbrella.

   I really wish Kellogg's would change the name of Froot Loops to HomO's.

   So the US want to do away with 1 dollar bills and goto 1 dollar coins, I wonder what this will do to the Stripping industry, I see a comeback of fanny packs to put them coins in.

   Dear Sour Patch Kids, What happened to all the Sour Patch Parents? Sincerely, confused eater..

   decided to give up searching his belly button for Lent!

   Working at the pizza place today...I came up with a tastier dough, Would you like to try my dill dough?

   Supermoon is awesome!!! Oh wait, that's a streetlight.....

   Im the swaglord you have been blessed

   tomorrow the Unites States will be 235 years old......In the south it is also the day the following phrase is repeated more than any other, "HOLD MY BEER, WATCH THIS"

   Best Catch At The Home Run Derby Of All Time! Dude jumps from a ledge that's a few feet above a pool that's in right field, catches the ball, and lands in the pool! WINNING!

   i like to fast forward through menopause commercials

   I'm shocked. Amy Winehouse look like she would last 2 weeks more at least, with no worries.

   Being single just means you haven't met anyone good enough for you yet!

   I can hear all the dogs in my neighborhood laughing their a$$es off at Michael Vick's performance tonight!! One year wonder??

   I wasn't that drunk. " Dude, you were standing on your head screaming at people to quit walking on your ceiling.