Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hard to believe that whitney houston died... well maybe not

   I tested positive for poppy seeds in my system. I blame the cocaine bagel I had for breakfast.

   You're like a snowflake: Beautiful, Unique and with one touch you'll be wet.

   Here I am!.......Now what are your other two wishes?!!!

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   I dont have a problem with guys wearing white pointed shoes, just as long as they don't curl up, dude be looking like sum extra on the set of Aladdin.

   My brother was with two women in one night.he could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

   How to Lose Weight: Turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat when offered food.

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?

   If you're happy and you know it, please keep your mouth shut as no one wants to hear from a Trump supporter.

   Its OK that you are voting for Hillary. In fact when Trump wins, you retards will get much better medical treatment.

   I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

   According to this bathroom stall, Yo mama changed her number again.

   We'll be setting our clocks back soon. Gaining an extra hour in 2021 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

   . Two little boys Tyrone and Leroy who are friends are arguing on the play ground. Tyrone said my daddy can beat up your daddy. Leroy said no he can't, your daddy is my daddy too.

   Calling for compromise, but only if it's on your own terms. How is that compromise?

   Ivanka Trump's West Wing Duties: 1) Smile. 2) Stick chest out. 3) Hold Daddy's hand and make sure he remains calm. 4) Administer meds.

   Trump bills Germany $300 BILLION for Nato (even though that's not how it works). Dude will try anything to recoup his Trump Steak losses.

   The police officer asked Tigers wife "how many times did you hit him ma'am?" She responded "Oh, I don't know, put me down for a 5"

   Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.