Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   call me a weasel, a coward or a jerk but whenever I am feelin smothered, manipulated, controlled, used, trapped or suffocating in a relationship I always bail out.

   How do Vampires shave each day.....I mean they are not able to see their reflection in the mirror.

   When your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, your pants are tucked into your shirt. Think about it.

   One hell of a Tuba lesson today. I nailed it.... [Anne Franks last diary entry]

   dude where's my plane

   People who change after change will Survive... People who change with change will Live... People who cause the change will Lead...!

   Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir

   If I was religious I'd probably just argue with God a lot.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out of Gary.

   This post is closed captioned for the hearing impaired. (THIS POST IS CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED)

   Are the Red Sox supposed to be Amish metrosexuals for Halloween?

   A guy walked into a Psychiatrist's office wearing clear plastic pants. He said, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looked at him and said, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over....yep she needs a walker!

   Perhaps Donald Trump should educated all the uneducated people he continually thanks by giving them all scholarships to attend Trump University.

   It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie

   "You swallow 8 spiders a night" I repeat to myself over and over looking for more. I have only consumed 5. It's 4am. Dawn will break soon.

   I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!!!

   :I've seen fashion girls do things for cocaine that even a dog wouldn't do for some peanut butter.

   Skinny women run the world because fat women don't run.