Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should be working at a spa...........cause I can give one heck of a facial!!!

   Paul Ryan looks like Doug, Dougie, Doug, Doug from "The Hangover"

   Imagine 15 million people calling each other stupid. That's what it's like to live in Texas.

   Student: can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: I don't know can you? Student: B!TCH I WILL PISS ON THIS FLOOR!! 

   the whitest kid you know.

   in another castle:(sorry mario.)

   white girls acting like they black..look at the mirror you IS WHITE

   SpaceX rocket exploded trying to get out of the atmosphere. God said you let men marry men, you guys aren't welcome up here anymore.

   a womans dead body was discovered this morning with sperm in her eyes......the police say she probably saw her killer coming

   Call me insensitive but I'm going ahead and declaring Art Modell's passing as the Browns first win this season. 1-0 baby!

   Oh, you have an MBA from an online college? Please tell me how to fix our economy!!

   Excuse me, is this s tatus taken?

   At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think."

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a squirt gun fight. I'm just killing time updating my FB status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Aunt Jemima or Paula Deen?

   Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.

   Girls, if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Angle, don't expect us to care what you think about what we look like.

   Obama should start his speech off with... "allow me to reintroduce myself"

   I would like to give a huge shout out to all the baby mommas that got or will git all that tax money this year Holla.........

   Gay men in the missionary position are just like yogurt: Fruit on the bottom.