Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *learns the pole vault Jumps out of the friend-zone*

   I'm someones reason to drink

   Jerod has been sentenced to 15 years of all the footlongs that we wants

   When a girl likes you, everything you tweet has the potential to piss her off.

   Pill Cosby is now suing his victims? What kind of a sick world are we living in now?

   Last time I got dumped I went to some random funeral to cry my heart out.

   *stands up in meeting... *wipes boss's chin... Sorry, you had some nonsense coming out of your mouth... *wipes hand on pants

   I was gonna stop flashing, but think I may stick it out, for a bit longer

   [wife yelling at me as I wash dishes] "keith I'm fkn sick of you pretending to be a doctor" [turns tap off using my elbow] what do you mean?

   You know you are at a 50 shades of grey movie when instead of handing out 3d glasses they hand out condoms

   WTF is with all the American Girl dolls on ebays deal of the day.... This isn't christmas mother fcukers

   You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. - alcohol

   I've decided to become a Veterinarian and a taxidermist so no matter what, you'll get your dog back.

   Its like my liver has no idea what's about to happen.

   I wanna open a store where you can touch expensive things you'll never afford and call it "Feel Free".

   Jerry jones was seen giving Tony Romo the heinlick maneuver in the lock room after the game Sunday

   I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.

   No you're mom was so last Friday night...

   What if I'm awake? The answer might be outside the "door".

   funny jokes must be a Monday thru Friday job. zzzz