Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking. If it tastes like trout, get the hell out.

   I love my wife so much that I use c ondom with other girls.

   "Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”...."

   The irony is overwhelming. The "LOCK HER UP" guy is getting his ass locked up. Hahaha!

   Every 7 seconds a fat girl confuses post-it notes for Kraft singles.

   surprised that Kate and William didn't go with my suggested royal baby name of Princess Consuela Bananahammock!

   Church = Free Wine

   she was my cream, and I was her coffee - And when you poured us together, it was something.....

   I understand Rush has lost a lot of weight recently...Crystal Meth is amazing!

   loves it when you call me big pappa.

   Only one long utter but I love getting milked

   Hopes that the Gay community is enjoying all the free media attention...with the flooding in Manitoba I haven't heard the word "Dykes" used so much since last years Gay Pride week .

   Taylor Swift must be the first person to have something given back to her after a black man stole it

   If you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone! Oh yeah? And if you don't have a Droid X, well, you don't have flash player and adobe! Now, How do you like them apples?!?!

   A 30 second super bowl ad cost 5 million dollars. Trump said that's crazy, 30 seconds only cost me 130 thousand.

   I swear these automatic toilets are about as premature as a teenage boy, one little move and they are done.

   Dreams of moving to India or Pakistan.....and becoming a Taxi driver

   what did 50 cent say to his Grandma who was sewing a Sweater ?? Gee-You-Knit !!!!

   strong enough to live without you but not strong enough to stop thinking about you. i'm strong enough not to cry when I hear your name but not strong enough to stop loving you

   For anyone interested , I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble from 6PM until I am escorted out by securuty