Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Joyce, the office slut, just sneezed and now we all have to take a mandatory HIV test on Monday :(

   If you are speaking sign language but you have parkinsons, is that considered stuttering?

   Alcohol doesn't solve problems, but neither does milk

   Let’s have a moment of silence for the brave bud that got smoked by that fagatron Bieber.

   All Karaoke bars are shouting out with Glee.

   I would like my tombstone to read: I told you guys I didn't feel good.

   Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   Don't hate me because I´m good, hate me because I know it!!!

   When down on this hot lesbian, just to taste the rainbow

   You think when whoever invented the Bong, a black light appeared over their head....

   so my xgirlfriend just caught me banging her sister, this is a good time for the kool-aid guy to jump through the wall

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!"

   With Thanksgiving coming up..this year I thought I'd try something new, so my friend took me turkey hunting and I shot one! We had a ball but sure scared Hell out of everyone in the frozen food department!

   got an error on his Windows PC: "Keyboard not found! Press any key to continue"

   Fire them...all of them! It's time to make a change Jerry...

   never realized why no one likes Val Kilmer... But I just realized.... You killed GOOSE... YOU B*STARD!

   Don't follow my footsteps I run into walls!

   Will Facebook for money.

   After telling a joke to a little sad kid, he simply asked back " do you know why the chicken crossed the road?" I said no why? He said " Because you were telling the joke at the chicken side". The end and he walked away. :/