Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should have yelled "timberrrr" before I dropped that log 💩

   ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   I don't know about yours but my news feed is starting to look like there's a big game coming up between the south and the skittles factory.

   Relationship status - Ronda Rousey

   So Bruce Jenner heard the woman gets everything in the divorce he showed her and became one too.

   I love my women like I love my Keurig coffee, disposable after a single use.

   Kids: Never tell a stranger where you live. Give them your neighbor's address and watch what happens.

   My stock in Johnny Walker is through the roof!!!

   With the way the humam species treats each other, can we blame God for being vengeful?

   Well ... Considering his past record ... My biggest worry about Donald Trump is that ... even if he actually proves to be a great president ..... I am still very concerned that he could still leave us for a younger, prettier country...

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   [boarding an airplane in west Africa]... "Have you had any diarrhea in the last 24 hours?"..."Yes. I had 2 tablespoons before bed last night."

   Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

   I haven't got a Twitter account yet, so I just carry around a megaphone and announce what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far - but I think two are cops...

   Try saying "Whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like a drunken Irishman

   Uh Oh...just what we need, a Pope with a Foot Fetish

   "Well that's the last time I ever take one of those spinning classes... felt like an idiot being the only one twirling around in the middle of the room while everyone else sat & looked at me like I was stupid :~("

   hmmm, I wonder where the girls that ate the poopoo out of the cup are today?

   As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower, when I got in the shower this morning, it laughed at me.

   I am sorry guys my p0sts have sucked so much lately. Lately I've been going on dates and getting laid on a regular basis lately.