Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   No matter how much lice shampoo I use it doesn't provide the sheen or volume that I get when I wash my lice with regular shampoo.

   Stop knocking on my door wanting to talk about the Lord and I will stop coming to your door wanting to talk about alcohol, weed and freaky sex.

   I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits, that's why I am voting for Trump.

   Ivanka Trump is writing a new book called "Women Who Work: Rewriting The Rules Of Success." Rule number 1 is having a wealthy, powerful father.

   im feeling so empty.. (after pooping)

   It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

   McDonald's is changing their slogan form "We made it yesterday" to "Old, Cold, and Sold to you".

   I once dated someone who told me she was "bi". Every time I mentioned sex, she said "Bye!"

   Showed up late for work and blamed it on rush hour. Showed up late again the next day and blamed it on rush hour 2.

   I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets.

   Relationship status: Please? I am rich.

   Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

   I have a very clever way with words. You could say I'm a cunning linguist.

   To this day, the girl who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, she makes great Subway sandwiches

   I want to be the reason that you can never look at mayonnaise the same way ever again.

   My dentist told me I need a crown I was like..pfft! I know right should've been given one years ago.

   They say you should reach for the stars, but I find you get a lot more done if you reach for a stick

   Maybe......Obama can put his government shutdown barricades up in federal waters and block Tropical Storm Karen!?!?