Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Donald Trump met with Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto this week, so Trump can tell him how great the Mexican food is at Trump Tower.

   Trump promises all Americans a free bag of Skittles when he's President.

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Marijuana?" I mumble into a Hershey's bar

   set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell

   Not sure that "What's gotten into you?" is the best opening line when you run into a friend that you hadn't seen in a while and is pregnant.

   Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play … Me: *jumps out of airplane*

   My New Years resolution for 2021 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   Find the man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   Sears just called,My Back ordered Leather jacket with tassels is finally in.

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?

   Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]

   Uh oh...FOX News report claims Ivanka, Kushner, Kelly, McMaster are on departure list from the White House. So much mixed emotions.

   I wanted a Garcia why Vega but couldn't afford it so I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown grocery bag paper. It was close, but no cigar.

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency ..... I hope you're fluent in the metric system and rich enough to pay 2-3 times the price of booze here in the US.

   The Only Sabbath that matters is Black !

   Just saw a cop pull over a UHaul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

   Do white supremacists shop on Black Friday?

   Patriots are going to the Superbowl....The NFL is going to assign someone to check Tom Brady's balls throughout the game....don't want that on my resume

   if H( . ) ( . )ters were to become a door to door service... I hope they have to change their name to Kn( . ) ( . )ckers...