Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At least all this money printing from the Fed will solve the toilet paper shortage

   Calling occupents of interplannetary craft ..

   Men try role reversal in bed, and you have a headache for once.

   Just heard that facebook is letting all their employees work from home which makes me wonder. Hey facebook you hiring?

   If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

   Can we just get the pipeline under the river before it fills with blood

   I have all this candy left at our apartment now. This morning, I had a Skittles and Butter Fingers omelet.

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of PARALLEL lines, who were never meant to meet. Of TANGENT lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of ASYMPTOTIC lines, who could only get closer and closer, but could never be together.

   Seen one sneaker in the road agin this week.. How does this happen? Somewhere there is a jogger who get's home look's down at their feet and say's "Not again...I lost another one"

   I heard overhead on the PA system at Walmart: "Customer service needed in sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls".

   When you finally meet that girl off snapchat, and she forgot she forgot to bring the dog face filter with her

   Russian aviation and maritime hardware...both civilian and military, need a serious modernisation programme. Those nukes themselves must be rotting in those silos and probably present more of a danger to Russian lives than any enemy, real or imagined.

   Can someone tell me when Santa is coming? He forgot some of the stuff I asked for

   Lady Gaga covered more field than the Patriot

   Gotten excited for nothing thinking she was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a Kit Kat she didn't wanna share.

   I was in the elevator.... I pressed number 1. The elevator said with an attitude: "You're going down." F#¥k you Otis

   Lord this body has been a good friend, buy I wont need it when I reach the end. Though I know the outcome I'd do it again.

   You’re smiling next to me…. In silent stupidity

   Looks like they'll be building condos on Sesame Street.

   Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.