Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸

   Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛

   If you think a college education isn't worth the money, I'm here to tell you that whenever I say something stupid, I can get out of trouble by saying, "Sorry, I was an art major."

   Just because you have a guitar, Christmas outfit and the Christmas tree doesn't necessarily mean you have the talent to sing on Facebook.

   My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

   Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

   ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

   I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

   Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.

   Why is it that every time someone moves to a warmer state all the talk about is warm weather

   forget about the past you cant change it,forget about the future you cant predict it,forget about the present your not getting one

   I have severe attachment issues. I struggle with attaching my keys to my key chain.

   (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!

   I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room

   If you puncture a hole in a garbage bag in order to roll down your window, you might be a redneck

   My six year old just hissed at me. I'm either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

   Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on....

   Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

   My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'!