Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kid is getting bottom braces on today and said I should give her $80 to make up for the pain. She'll make a great attorney someday.

   Accidentally took 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 so someone please record the presidential inauguration for me.

   "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ONNNN?!?!" -Every horse being ridden during a civil war reenactment

   Wow....iPhone 7 is making odd hissing sounds. Tech experts say sounds are caused by electromagnetic effects, while I think it's just Siri farting.

   A hangover is just the body's special way of telling you ... your an idiot.

   If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.

   Amazing how much sex you don't get when you wear a denim shirt.

   I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra

   Owning a cat seems like a really satisfying Instagram experience.

   Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.

   Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.

   Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !

   Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside.

   They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?

   The only way to know a relationship is going well, when she feels comfortable taking a dump at your place

   Stop all your crying about losing an hour of sleep from Daylight Savings Time. Business travelers experience it every single week...

   I just busted three plastic spoons trying to eat an avocado that has a sticker that says "ripe and ready to eat."

   A chef these days is someone who constantly yells and swears at you in the kitchen.