Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.

   - I heard my mates's girlfriend say to him..."You'd be fitter if you exercised you lazy f**k".....I could't help myself interrupting and said to her...."You'd be a lot f**kin fitter if you were your sister"....

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning! According to the Surgeon General. Women should consume alcohol because it impairs their ability to say NO!! So who is up for a drink? I'm pouring!

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

   If god is a dj, life is a dancefloor, love is a rhythm, you are the music, you get what you are given it's all how you use it and god wants you to shake your ass!

   Life Aint Always What It Seems To Be .. you Have Ur Ups N Downs Either Happily Or Sad But At The End Of The Day you Gotta Jus Forget Bout All That N Hope you Wake Up To Live The Next Day

   Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired, but man who run behind car get exhausted

   Based on the way it's being used "LOL" must stand for "OK"

   How to win an argument with a woman: 1. Too late, you’re already wrong.

   Volkswagen..Das auto is a piece of crap

   Now the kkk want a parade.

   Reagan had ketchup in school lunches declared a vegetable, so maybe Congress can have Trump declared a vegetable.

   Fun Fact: Paul Manafort is a direct descendant of Benedict Arnold.

   Trump and Spicerhave spent the last two months with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

   pot a gateway drug? Not everyone who smokes pot ends up doing heroin, but everyone who does heroin started off with smoking pot!

   The point of YOLO isn't to party and do a bunch of crazy sh*t cause you only live once. The points to go out of your way to do nice things, live life to the fullest.

   2 Wise Advises : 1.) Never laugh at your wife's choice,you are one of them..... 2.) Never be proud of your choice,Your wife is one of them.........

   Would you rather date a woman with a beautiful body covered in tattoos, or a nicely decorated trash bag?